Friday, April 19, 2013

back down the rollercoaster

I had planned my next blog post to be about spinning and knitting and some of the things I've been doing recently, but that all got knocked out the window last night. 

I found another lump on Curzon's ribcage.

This one is on the opposite side from the original one that started our journey in January 2012, on his left side and on the fifth rib from the back.  It's about the size of a large gumball right now.  He hasn't really noticed it, as he rarely notices anything until it actually impedes his movements, but I did get old-man groans when I was rubbing his side this morning so it might be bothering him at least somewhat.  And I'm not ashamed to admit, I cried again, full out shaking ugly crying.  I've done that every time I've found something new on him, or we've had a setback.  I wish I didn't do it, but I love this boyo so much that I just can't help it - my brain immediately starts going into overdrive, thinking about how I'm going to deal with it when he's gone, right down to the details of what to do with his ashes.  I hate that part of my brain, so much.  Curzon is here NOW, he loves me NOW, he wants to play NOW, there is more than enough time to figure out how to deal with his death when it happens.

My brain doesn't always listen. 

This morning I'm feeling better, not thrilled of course but better.  Who's to say that another rib tumor is that much worse than the internal tumor we already know is there?  Who's to say that the reduction in coughing we've seen is not the good sign I thought it was?  I'm not expecting Curzon to live forever, although making it to 15 was always my hope and he's just 9.5 now, but who's to say he won't run one heat in October to earn his Iron Dog after his tenth birthday?

So I will straighten my shoulders, dry off my eyes, and look forward.  Curzon's baby brother Martok comes home in less than a week, and we have a great photo shoot with an incredibly fabulous photographer next weekend to celebrate.  We have a tournament in two weeks, and while Curzon won't be racing, he will play in the Saturday night "green dog" warmup time.  We have a beach vacation in Oregon scheduled in two months, where there will be much romping on the sand and swimming in the ocean.

There's no time for sadness, only love, laughter, and playtime.  And sometimes, snuggles.

Both Curzon and Ezri are fascinated by the noisy light-up wobbly ball that I bought after seeing Martok and his littermates playing with one.  Such happiness on his face!

I suppose this is comfortable, although from this angle it looks rather ridiculous.

Looks way more comfy when you see the rest of him, and not just that chin with his tongue sticking out.

I love you, Curzon, and I will always do what's best for you.  I hope I don't have to say goodbye too soon, though, because I'm selfish like that.  Let's plan to go swimming this weekend, that's one of your favorite things.

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